Now that our baby is five weeks old, I’ve found that I spend most of my time ruminating over things like “why does my daughter sound like a pterodactyl?” and “how drunk are the people who design sleepers?” This particular treatise addresses the latter – specifically, the three main types of button location designs we’ve come across; and generally, how buttons are the worst.

Exhibit A: Satan’s Sleeper

Whoever came up with this design is sadistic, and the fact that anyone perpetuates it is a violation of common decency. These people probably punt kittens and hate birthday cake. Why do I have such strong feelings about these sleepers? Because there are too. many. buttons. Oh, they think they’re doing us all a favor by putting two buttons in the crotch, but guess what? At 3 a.m., the last thing I want to be doing is fiddling with a dozen buttons and realizing that I’m off by one and then have to, bleary-eyed, figure out where I went wrong.

Exhibit B: It’s Okay I Guess Whatever

I want to hate this sleeper, but I can only muster up general disdain for it. It’s afflicted with the issue that plagues Exhibit A: a lot of #%@ing buttons. However, the two in the crotch are closer to the legs and are thus easier to find, saving valuable time and patience. There’s also something to be said about having the ability to secure each individual leg; although it’s a pain, it does limit the leg-flailing that our baby is wont to do while changing. And that dovetails nicely into…

Exhibit C: Nice Legs

One of the great dichotomies in history is quantity versus quality. This type of sleeper is a case study in the argument of “less is more.” Or, for the grammatically correct readers who don’t mind phrases that don’t roll off the tongue as well, “fewer is better.” This sleeper is one in which only one leg has buttons, while the other is basically a sleeve. Or a regular pant leg, I guess. Come to think of it, maybe it should be called a “leg sleeve,” because that sounds pretty cool. However, our baby apparently has some frog DNA or something, since she really gets a kick (lol get it) out of bending her legs while trying to stick them in the sleeves – which, in a cruel twist of irony, is more annoying when doing theĀ buttonless leg sleeve.

Exhibit D: The Zipper

One zipper. No buttons except to cover up the zipper handle. A++++++ would use again